Envy

I hate to say this, because I vowed I wouldn't become one of "those people", but if I hear of one more friend who is pregnant, I might scream.  Currently, J and I have a total of 6 couples who are all friends, not just acquaintances or colleagues, but friends or family members, who are expecting babies.  I am genuinely, truly happy for all of them.  I know at least 2 of them who have had difficulties or heartbreaking awful situations in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term in the past.

But, I'm envious.  I envy their happiness.  I envy what might have been - all of us having kids extremely close the same age.  That might still happen, but at this point, it looks like the next chance I have for a try will be the end of March, meaning most likely, no 2009 baby for us.  My sister is having #2 in April, and if we had been successful in the first months of TTC, we would have been having a baby right around the same time.

What stinks right now is that even though I am temping and monitoring my fertility signs, there's no knowing how far off everything might be because of all of the meds I'm on my for head.  One thing is sure however - still showing signs of late ovulation (CD18 with no temp shift) and no EWCM, which has been consistent since I starting charting.  And I say late ovulation is definitely problematic because my cycles are 28 - 29 days, meaning my luteal phase, if I am in fact ovulating, is borderline short.  Well - at least charting is revealing this now, so hopefully something can be done about it come April.

On the positive front, the prednisone is keeping away my cluster headaches!  Headache free day 5 now, and I just started tapering down, so keep your fingers crossed!

So Disappointed

Last night, my cluster headaches busted through the medication that had been holding them off, which sucks big time.  I had another one in the middle of the night that pulled me straight out of a deep sleep and about knocked my socks off.  I called my Dr. this morning but I can't be seen until tomorrow, and in the meantime I was told to take an extra 5mg of prednisone.  All morning I proceeded to have a low grade cluster headache and I was drained from the previous 2, so I left work to come home and spend the rest of the day sacked out.

In addition to the physical pain, I am emotionally not in a good place right now.  I just keep wanting to cry, I am so disappointed.  Disappointed that after 8 months of TTC we are still not pregnant.  Disappointed that just as I felt I was really doing something to balance my body and my mind to make myself more favorable for conception that I was struck with this debilitating pain - pain that is sucking my will to live and forcing me to focus on it, which I do not want to be doing - I want to be focused on TTC!  

I am continuing to take BBT everyday and monitor other fertility signs, but it seems pointless this month - and probably even next month too.  I need to find some positive spin to this whole thing - any suggestions?